» What love language do you speak?

One of my mentors in the area of relationships is Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages. I became familiar with Dr. Chapman’s work through a client whose third marriage was struggling. She was frustrated as her husband was amazing at making dinner, doing the laundry, and cleaning the house. Yet she felt unloved! Hard to believe for those of us who would think we died and went to heaven if a partner did all of that for us!

However, her love language was “Quality Time”, not “Acts of Service”. No matter what he did for her in terms of “doing”, she wanted him to spend quality time with her as the fullest expression of his love. I have since read and studied Dr. Chapman’s work, used it in my own relationship and in working with couples.

One woman I worked with was feeling quite upset with her husband for various reasons and their communication was at an abysmal low. Ironically, she had The Five Love Languages on her bookshelf. She took it out and that night, her and her husband spent a couple of hours discussing their differing love languages. As a result they came to a much better understanding of how to communicate with each other.

The premise of Dr. Chapman’s decades of work as a marriage and family counselor and minister is that each of us has a primary love language. It may be Physical Touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service or Gifts. When we are spoken to in our love language we blossom. When we’re not, although our partner may love us, we feel unloved. It’s as if something inside is not being reached or filled. As strong relationships are often a major catapult for our peace, joy, happiness and contentment, this area of our life cannot be under-estimated.

Last week I found another book of Dr. Chapmans – The Love Languages of God. I have been devouring it, fascinated by how he relates our love language in human relationships to our relationship and choice of worship of God.

Have you noticed that some people choose to demonstrate their spirituality through prayer and meditation while others shake their head and roll their eyes at the mere thought of “sitting and doing nothing“? They very well may be the ones that need to be volunteering, raising awareness for a cause, helping the elderly or active at a local church.

Still others will give gifts of money to various charities and never step inside a church or utter a formal prayer. They feel their connection to God writing cheques to worthy causes.

It’s easy to look at another person, particularly if they are close to us, and judge. Have you noticed that too? Perhaps you love to sit and read a holy book, a biography of a spiritual person or spend an hour in quiet contemplation and meditation. You have no desire to feed the poor, help the sick or hug a stranger.

Meanwhile, your partner goes to a prayer circle where everybody is touchyfeely. You almost cringe at the thought of others intruding on your spiritual time with God.

Without understanding the different love languages, we may have the tendency to judge one way of expressing our spiritual feelings as “right or wrong”. We may even beat ourselves up because we just can’t be like our friend, neighbor or partner. We think there is something wrong with us.

Through reading The Love Languages of God this week, I appreciated even more fully how perfect we are in all ways, including our expression of worship. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to say I love you. There is no right or wrong way to connect with the Divine, whether we believe that God is within or out there.

By becoming familiar with what resonates with us, with what connects us to God, we can feel comfortable in our expression while now honoring other people’s ways even more.

People will sometimes be shocked that I don’t “do” church. Going to a place of worship and being led in service and song doesn’t fill my spiritual fuel tank any longer. I did it for years, but today I feel much more reclusive and private. I walk with God daily in my work, in my conversation, in my thoughts and in my quiet time. God is there physically embracing me as I get goosebumps doing healing work with a client or that constant feeling I enjoy of complete and utter peace, like a loving embrace.

Interestingly, as is often the case according to Dr. Chapman my love language in my intimate relationship is physical touch. Thank God my partner is a podiatrist as I just love to have my feet rubbed. He doesn’t need to bring me gifts, (although he does), for me to feel loved. Touching me as we pass in the kitchen as we cook together, hugging me, holding my hand or cuddling me in bed is far more important than doing my laundry. I have a washing machine for that!

What is your love language? Dr. Chapman’s books are international best-sellers for good reason. They are critical to helping us understand ourselves better and being less judgmental of others.

Having been raised with a very strong belief in “right and wrong”, “good versus bad”, these two books have helped me to love myself better, understand others, and really appreciate our own unique spiritual and romantic expressions of love.

This world could use a little less judgment, don’t you agree? The planet could do with a lot more love, wouldn’t you say? Learning about your own love language can contribute most significantly.

Pick up Dr. Chapman’s books and discover your love language. Your love life with yourself, your partner and with God will never be the same.