Some of my most favorite chapters in my latest book Getting Off the Merry-Go-Round are about our families. As I work with clients from all over the world, a recurring theme is good ´ole Mom and Dad.
I know that I just about fell off the couch this spring when I got an email letting me know that my 86-year-old Dad had subscribed to the appetizer of my first book Devil with A Briefcase. I think I stopped breathing for several seconds!
Dad, who hasn´t been in my life for about 18 months now, would have received copies of a few chapters from a book all about a religion he still believes is The Truth, “the only right religion” and the religion that his youngest daughter has completely disowned! Yikes. It took me a bit to recuperate from that bit of information. And then I realized that he choose to ask for it, I wrote my perspective of what I gleaned from 38 years in that religion and his reaction was “none of my business”.
So Mom and Dad play interesting roles in our lives – even 20, 30, 40 or more years down the road.
How can we maximize the good and minimize the negative?
In Getting Off the Merry-Go-Round, I mention that Mom and Dad did their best. I know that for some of you, that may be hard to accept. I deal with clients on a weekly basis that were tortured, sexually abused or treated worse than a dog by their parents. However, in working with these clients, I always note that Mom and Dad didn´t have an easy time either as they were growing up. It´s not an excuse for absolutely inappropriate behavior but it is an explanation for why they reacted the way they did as they raised you.
Accepting that they did their best, no matter how awful their best was, helps you to let go and release some of that anger that can percolate better than a pot of coffee. It´s really not worth the anger, to ruin your life, because of what happened decades ago.
Secondly, acknowledge that it wasn´t right and nobody is saying it was. But it did happen and Mom and Dad probably made tons of mistakes raising you. Get over it because your life is worth so much more today, and right now you can only change the present and the future. You can´t do anything about the past – except forgive it.
Thirdly, know that it was perfect. I am truly grateful for how I was raised because it has helped to make me the woman I am today. Good times and bad times have an influence on us and help to mold us into who we become. So even those awful times were a blessing in how you see life, treat others or raised your own children.
I´ve worked with plenty of clients whose parents have long passed over. However, they can still wreak havoc in your lives if you let them. Seriously, whether they are still with us or gone, let them go, forgive them, do whatever is necessary to release the anger and resentment towards them. You will be really glad you did.
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As usual, a clear and helpful synopsis of the recurring themes of unfinished business with Mom and Dad and how to move on.
Thanks, Jan